This post comes from my podcast, Motivation For Moms episode 33, entitled "What It Means To Value Yourself As A Mom" To listen to this podcast episode, click here. Be sure to subscribe on iTunes to get the latest show episodes, and please write a review, which is the ultimate gift to me.
Hey mama. What in your life makes you feel valuable? Is there something you do well or something that you have that determines how valuable you feel? Is there something that if you did or if you had you think would make you feel more valuable? Would you value yourself more if you had more money? Would you value yourself more if you feel like you made a bigger difference in the world? Would you value yourself if your kids acted or behaved differently? Would you value yourself if you spent more money on yourself? Today I want to talk openly about what it means to value ourselves as moms, and give you practical real-life tips to come to terms with your self-worth in a lasting and healthy way.
Welcome back to this week’s episode of Motivation For Moms! This week I am celebrating the opening pre-launch of my new program, Breakthrough Moms, which happened last week. I opened it up for three days for moms to join at a discount a rate. I’m SO excited for all of the mamas who were able to get in last week as a founding member, and now, we’re getting ready for the official doors to Breakthrough Moms to open up in August. I do not have an official launch date as of right now, but if you are a mom who wants to stop drinking, and focus more on building a more fulfilling life and going after your goals and dreams in a community of like-minded mamas who will be there to keep you accountable, support you, and cheer you on, then you can go put your name on the interest list at BreakthroughMoms.com and I will let you know as we get closer of when doors will open. A little bit more about this program, so you know what it’s all about, it’s a monthly group coaching membership, where each month, you’ll get a new challenge to get to the next level, you’ll get a new guided meditation to help empower you to stay on track for the month, you’ll get to be a part of group coaching calls, live virtual parties so that you don’t feel like you’re missing out on the fun, and of course, the community of moms who are on the same path as you who you can interact with over community, not cocktails. Our founding members are already in there meeting each other and setting their intention for the weeks and months to come, and we cannot wait for you to join us when the official doors open again in August. So again, go to BreakthroughMoms.com to get on the interest list if you want to join us in this transformative program to stop drinking and start living.
Now, for today, we’re talking about self-worth and what it means to value yourself as a mom. I wanted to share with you, that I haven’t always valued myself the way I do now. Growing up in a very strict religion, I had zero self-worth outside of my ability to follow all of the rules and serve the religion. Self love, self-confidence, and definitely self-worth or valuing of oneself was NOT taught in the religion, and it was even discouraged so as to sacrifice one’s own motivates for the sake of the mission. And then, I grew up and left the religion, and was faced with this big ol’ adult world that I felt like I knew nothing about, and felt totally lost in who I was and what my purpose was in this world. That was about the time I discovered the podcast, Morning Coach with JB Glossinger, which is when I first realized that you can choose your thoughts and be more intentional with your life and with your growth, and that’s when I started going hard into personal development and started to learn the value of self-worth and self-love. As hard as I worked at keeping a positive mindset and tapping into the law of attraction, at that point in time, I still did not know what valuing myself was all about.
So then a few years later, I became a mom, which was when I stopped working, and when I stopped earning, I found that I lost a lot of confidence and struggled to find value in myself, even taking care of this new little person. And that’s when I decided to go back to college, and I think a lot of it was I thought that if I had a college degree I would be more valuable as a person. It’s funny though, even after four years and earning a degree and earning Summa Cum Laude, which is the highest GPA distinguishment you can get, I must say I didn’t feel any more valuable than when I started. I was proud of that accomplishment, but it didn’t really make me love or value myself any more. It really wasn’t until this year that I’ve come to a completely different place.
This year, I invested several thousand dollars into my personal development and self-love, with my coach, the self-love extraordinaire, Paul Fishman. If you are not yet following him on Instagram, you have to go follow this guy. Paul is one of the sweetest, confident, and most loving and accepting people you’ll ever meet, and it’s been an absolute honor and forever life-changing journey to work with him as my self-love coach. I think one of the biggest takeaways from working with Paul has been that I don’t need any validating to prove my worth, I don’t need to earn a certain amount of money to demonstrate my value, and I don’t need to have everything figured out. I can just show up confidently in my light, exactly who I am in any given moment, and be a valuable, worthy, and lovable human being. And when I share with you that I’ve invested several thousand dollars into my personal work this year, it isn’t because I’m trying to prove that I’m worth that, or anything like that. Spending money on yourself does not in itself prove that you are worthy or that you are valuable. To illustrate, if you went on a shopping spree, and dropped several thousand dollars on nice, expensive things for yourself, would you go home with all of that stuff and feel more valuable? Would you BE more valuable? The truth is, it isn’t what we spend on ourselves or on others that makes us valuable. It isn’t what we invest into ourselves that makes us more valuable. When you invest in something like personal development, or therapy, or a life coach, it isn’t to prove your value, it isn’t to prove, “I deserve it” because YES you do deserve it, but what it does is, it gets you more invested in the outcome of what you’re trying to achieve. See, there’s transformation in the transaction. Which is the biggest reason I don’t give away my Breakthrough Moms program for free. Yes, I value myself and my time and energy that I pour into creating this program for the members in it, but I also understand, that when a mom is willing to pay money for something that’s going to help her get an outcome she wants, she’s going to be more committed than if she got it for free. Because we tend to take for granted the things we get for free, right? So I hope that through my story and this illustration I’ve debunked the myth that our value is based on how much money we have, or how much money we’re willing to spend on ourselves. At the end of the day, respecting yourself by making wise financial decisions is going to help you increase your confidence, and at the same time, investing in your growth and development is also going to help you increase your confidence. So there’s a balance there, I’m sure you would agree.
I chose this topic today but I think a lot of moms see what I do here on the podcast, and they see what I do on social media and they make assumptions about who I am or my story, maybe that I’m inordinately confident. And yes, the truth is now, I am confident, and I’ve had to do a lot of work to come to this place, and that comes from a place of true self love, true self worth, and the burning desire to make a difference in other people’s lives. You can easily tell the difference in someone who posts on social media to inspire and life others, and someone who is seeking external validation through the attention they get in response to their posts and pictures. And I’ll be the first to admit that for the longest time, I was the person who posted things in an attempt to get that validation.
Talking about what it means to value ourselves as a mom is such a very important topic because many moms struggle with this, and it can come up at various stages of life, even if you’ve already done the personal work in the past. I know that I’ve made a transformation this year in my own self worth, but I also know that it’s a work in progress, and that I have to continuously battle the negative self-doubt thoughts that come up that make me question my value and my worth. And I know that many of you have desires in your heart, and dreams you want to fulfill in this lifetime, but maybe you ask yourself, “who am I to do that?” “Who am I to be the next Rachel Hollis or Michelle Obamas or Oprahs of the world?” The truth is, you are no less valuable or worthy, or capable than these incredible women. The only difference between the people who build these incredible lives, impacting millions and millions of people, is the choice that they made to overcome those limiting beliefs, and the self doubt, and the negative thoughts that disable the rest of us. The more you practice being intentional with your self-talk, and choosing to replace disabling thoughts about yourself with enabling thoughts about yourself, you become that much more capable of doing whatever it is you dream of or desire for your life.
It is very, very important that we as moms become confident leaders in our family. And as confident leaders, we must get real and get right with our self worth and what in our life we base our value on. It is critical to the confidence and feeling of worthiness of your future children that you get solid in this, because your kids are watching you and learning how to develop their own self-worth and what it should be based on.
Let me start off by asking you a thoughtful question that will help you put your own value in perspective.
Imagine your children becoming adults. They leave the house, they go out on their own, maybe they go to college, and start building a career. And one day, you find out that he or she is having some difficult times financially. Maybe they’ve lost their job. Maybe they’ve made some poor financial decisions. Or maybe they’re struggling with deciding what career to pursue or what their passion is. And you can tell that they’re not feeling very confident right now. They open up to you that they’re feeling worthless about themselves right now, and they just feel like they have nothing to contribute to the world. As their mother, what would you tell them?
As their mother, you see the absolute best in them. You’ve known them since they were tiny little babies. You watched them grow up, and you have seen them develop skills, you’ve seen them get really interested and passionate in things through the years. And to you, they mean absolutely everything to you. They could turn out to be total losers as far as society was concerned, and they would STILL be valuable and precious to you. What would you tell this grown child of yours who was struggling with their self-worth?
Now, ask yourself, what am I basing MY own self-worth on? What am I teaching my children about valuing themselves by my own example of how I value myself?
A lot of us became mothers before we really ever defined our self worth and got in touch with who we are, who we want to be, and built our self-confidence as individuals. And its very common for women to become mothers and then lose touch and connection with ourselves. We focus all of our time and attention and care on our children, and we tend to neglect ourselves. And it may seem like the ultimate sacrifice of love to do this, so that we may give all of ourselves to our precious children. But if we’re parenting from a place of low self confidence and low self-worth, then what are we teaching our kids, and what are we even able to truly give to them? How are we going to raise them to be confident individuals who value themselves and have healthy self-esteem and self-worth?
Here’s another issue. Maybe we base our value and self-worth on how well we’re taking care of our children.
But there are two potential problems I see with this, problems that I have personally experienced and have had to do some major work on. If we base our value on how well we’re taking care of our children and only on how we show up as a mom, then what can happen is, when we act in a way that is misaligned with the type of mom we want to be, aka, we do or say things we regret, and when our children inevitably get hurt, and they will, or when things inevitably happen that are either within our control or even outside our control, we blame ourselves and our confidence is totally crushed and without even realizing it, we check-out and step down from the strong, confident, self-assured leaders our children need us to be. So that’s one problem with basing our value on our ability to be a good mother.
The second potential problem, is that as our children get older and become more self-sufficient and find that they don’t need us to help them as much anymore, then we end up feeling empty, valueless, and without purpose. It’s the classic empty nester syndrome, but it can happen years and years before our children leave the house for college. It can happen as quickly as our toddler learning to go potty by themselves, or when we find that one day, our child gets up before us and pours themselves a bowl of cereal. My advice to you is, don’t wait until your children are out of the house to develop your significance. You’re significant just the way you are as a human being and especially as their mama, but make sure you have something in your life that gives you purpose, that drives you. If raising and nurturing children is what that is, then you can do that even after your children don’t need you to be around as much, you can become a teacher, or you can open a non-profit benefiting children, or you can become a doctor that specializes in childhood cancers. You could write children’s books. You could volunteer. Have something in your life in the back of your mind that you can go to when your kids don’t rely on you so much, so that you don’t feel that emptiness, but you feel purposeful.
Going back to the money issue, another common thing for moms to base their value on is whether or not we are earning money in our family, and how much money we are earning. Let me just start by saying that I believe, that in a household where one partner is working and one partner is staying home to raise the kids and keep the house running smoothly, both partners are equally contributing, both partners need to be valued as equals, and both partners need to have equal access to the finances and work cooperatively to make financial decisions together. It’s 2019 everybody, let’s get on the equality train. It’s easy to say this, but at the end of the day, how many times do stay at home moms buy something for themselves and feel guilty for it, maybe because they didn’t directly earn that money, their spouse did. If you struggle with often feeling guilty, whether its for the things you spend money on, or the alone time you take to yourself, or in the things you do and say that you later regret, may I direct you to an episode I did, entitled, “Good Enough Mom, Mom Guilt, & Your Potential” where I take a new spin on mom guilt, and re-frame it as simply being out of alignment with what we intend, and what we believe in. In that episode, I pose the question of whether our mom guilt is coming from a place of comparing ourselves to others, or if it’s coming from a place of simply being out of alignment with our own intentions. It’s an important question to ask. But know that if you are having feelings of guilt around doing things for yourself, it could be because you base your self-worth and your value on whether or not you are directly earning an income, which, in this episode, I am trying to get you to stop doing.
Speaking of comparing ourselves to others, it can be easy to base our own self-worth on what others are doing or how they are living their life. If you’re a stay at home mom, do you, or your spouse, compare your situation with another mom you know who works full time? If you’re a working mom, do you base your value as mom on how much time or, lack of time, that you’re able to spend with your kids? Do you base your worth around how many friends you have? Do you base your worth on how much you contribute to your kids’ school? Or the community? Or your church? I’m sure you can tell by now that in this episode, I’m trying to convince you that none of these things should determine your value, your self-worth, or how significant you feel.
So what does it mean to value yourself as a mom? What should you base your self worth on? Let me be clear about something, I think it is extremely important for every single one of us to live a life with an emphasis on serving others, on helping others, on being totally involved with our children with a mission to raise them up as strong, confident, secure people. I think it’s extremely important to be able to shameless spend an appropriate amount of money on ourselves, to take time to ourselves, to invest in our growth, and to take care of ourselves. I think it’s important to go after your dreams, to go to college, to pursue that career, to create a life that YOU value. But none of these things determines our worth as individuals. I think the only thing that determines our worth is the fact that we are ALIVE, that we have POTENTIAL, and that we try to live fully in each precious moment, because that’s ALL we have right now. We don’t actually OWN anything outside of ourselves. Everything that which is external, could be removed from our life in an instant. The past and the future aren’t real, they only exist as electrical thoughts in our brain, if you can prove time travel, you can convince me otherwise, and so, it’s so important that we understand that the present moment is all we really have, and that includes the thoughts we think now and the choices we make now. I don’t care how educated you are, how much money you are, where you are at on your path of personal development, what mistakes you’ve made in the past, if you are ALIVE, if you are breathing, if you are thinking and feeling right now, then you are one of the most valuable things on this earth. Life is SO fragile and precious, you have SO much potential, and as their mama, don’t forget, that you are the single most important person in their life right now, and they love you more than anything.